The Durango Rant
A few weeks ago, I went down and had a banner weekend. I saw all kinds of people I love, and they all expressed great love for me. Everywhere I went there was warmth and beauty. I wanted to go home. I wanted to go home so badly I envisioned my family happily tip toeing around a thousand foot shack just for the joy of breathing in that clean mountain air and snuggling in that odd little community. Especially after I returned to Erie, Colorado where the number of social invitations, not counting trunk parties, can practically be counted on one hand...in three years. Either the people in Erie are really busy, or they just don't know what to do with me. I've had parties and when I have them, almost everybody comes, so I'm not completely unlikable, but still...going back to a town where I've established zero real roots, coming back from a town where everyone seemed to love me seemed like a big flag. I asked Darren to call his old employer and see if the door was still open. It is. Urgently.
But then something happened over the last month or so. I became okay with the loneliness because of all the cool things living between the cities has to offer. Denver and Boulder vibrate, and I don't mean that in a vortex-y kind of way. There are constantly interesting things happening and I suddenly didn't mind doing them alone. I actually embraced it. A bluebelt in Taekwondo, the mental strength of surviving and thriving in embryonic waters where most people drown and the physical strength gained from having hobbies that are physically demanding have given me the confidence to go almost anywhere at any time without fear. And after trying to cultivate friendships for three years and having my efforts go unmet, I had to wrestle with the ole is it me or is it them and I've concluded it's them. There's nothing wrong with them. I don't mean that. We're just different kinds of people with different kinds of interests. When outlining the list of dinner party guests, it might be difficult to figure out where to put me. Good or bad, I've never really had a very good social censor. I'll say damn near anything that comes to mind. You just never know what that might be, and if I'm in a bad mood, well, those two characteristics just don't mesh well. I think you have to be a little bit odd yourself to really feel comfortable around me. In that regard, it's probably my loss, missing out on some pretty sweet people. I've tried to tamp it down a bit but when I do, I just feel so inauthentic. So fake. And for some reason, that's worse to me than loneliness. In Durango, no offense me dearies, but their all pretty much oddballs so I don't really stand out. Durango has a bunch of Peter Pan, Never-Wanna-Grow-Ups. And I love them for it.
And what does Erie have? Well, it's the place between the two vibrating cities. I have a house that I absolutely adore with really cool neighbors in an awesome neighborhood, just a few blocks from an award winning school full of people my daughter loves. New neighbors have moved in and not only is the whole neighborhood gaga for these kind folks but they have three of the sweetest children and my daughter loves them. She finally has friends down the street she can run and giggle with. Any night of the week, I can find something cool to do, although I usually end up doing whatever it is alone. It's a great place to launch my writing career, with plenty of bookstores and cultural events. My husband has a great job with a great company working for good people, though the workload is a bit much and he can't make it to many of Nila's special events, but they are a far better company than a lot of other firms and treat their people pretty well. We can ALWAYS find something new and cool to do as a family and we have a couple of parent night out events we can use when Darren and I want a date. Durango has zero. We'd have to find a baby sitter. That's scary and scarce. We're becoming less daunted by long drives to the places we love but sometimes the traffic to get out of here is unbelievable. I'd like to have a place where i can have chickens and bees and that might be difficult of score around Boulder. I thought this semi-public (if anyone actually read it) rant might help me clarify where my heart truly lies...but damn't. Still going back and forth and it's time for me to wrap this up. If anyone reads this, please feel free to throw in your two cents.