Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A little stream of conscious

It's kind of like doing the rapid fire Vinyasa before you start doing the really, really hard poses.  You don't want to pull anything and some of the poses just aren't even possible before you've heated and lubed them.  So I'm glad i really don't have anyone else following right now.  This is starting to be like my man-cave, except I'm not a man.  it's a place I can come to to do my verbal vinyasas and try to get myself mentally heated and lubed and ready for some writing.  It's so different than it was.  I used to be able to crank out really good stuff on a moment's notice.  I got rave review from professors for assignments I hastily scribbled out, or tapped out, as the case may be, in 10 minutes before class.  having a baby has certainly changed things.  I love motherhood, I do.  It's worth it even if I lose everything else and by everything, I mean the ability to completely control my bladder, ease in my body without the feeling that one of my vertebrae is forever sticking out farther than the others and tweaking up my ligaments and tendons while it "gently" torques on everything else, the ability to think...to feel passionate about anything, to strive to be anything other than mediocre at stuff...especially stuff I used to be particulary good at:  like writing, rock climbing, hell, fixing my hair and not having these bags forever under my eyes.  Yes, I've decreased skill level in all of these places and i miss them.  I can't figure out most days whether I'm trying this freelance writer thing so that I can eventually contribute to the family coifer while staying home most of the time with my little angel, or if i'm desperately trying to prove to myself and anyone else remotely interested that I am capable of more.  That this woman who doesn't get out of her comfy exercise clothes til just before her husband gets home most days is still a woman and still has a future ahead of her.  yes it is wonderful to have the honor of loving, supporting and educating my Nila, but I do still have possiblities and potentials of mine own right?  Now I wish I had a following, if for no other reason than to hear from other stay at homes.  Hello?  Anyone else feel like that?  Like we're just on hold...and maybe, like our bellie buttons, we're scared that we'll never have potential like we used to have because now the majority of our life force is directed at raising our young.  Gotta go.

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