Nila stirred slightly, shifting her weight in the backpack
as I set off towards Jackson Stairway, another marvel of Chacoan engineering
where an ancient road, following some unknown goal, chose to carve a steep stair
straight from the side of a cliff, rather than winding round to find a more
gentle path down into the Canyon.
Suddenly, there was a sound of a most explosive nature. A monstrous sized fart rent the air, the
sound of which seemed impossible to have come from the 20 pound bundle of sleeping
cuteness on my back.
Not wanting to wake her, I struggled to contain my laughter. Until I realized that it twas not just sound, but also substance. A warm, putrid gel oozed down my back and my eyes grew wide as I remembered placing the wet wipes and diapers on the front seat where I’d be sure to grab them…except I didn’t. I turned around and sped back to the car, hoping to reach it before she awoke cold, wet and sticky. We both know I didn’t make it; that I ran back to the car with a toddler screaming in my ear and cold, sticky poo sliding down my back. You can really get a feel for living primitive cleaning poo off of two people, without running water, while one of those people flails about, flinging it everywhere.
Not wanting to wake her, I struggled to contain my laughter. Until I realized that it twas not just sound, but also substance. A warm, putrid gel oozed down my back and my eyes grew wide as I remembered placing the wet wipes and diapers on the front seat where I’d be sure to grab them…except I didn’t. I turned around and sped back to the car, hoping to reach it before she awoke cold, wet and sticky. We both know I didn’t make it; that I ran back to the car with a toddler screaming in my ear and cold, sticky poo sliding down my back. You can really get a feel for living primitive cleaning poo off of two people, without running water, while one of those people flails about, flinging it everywhere.
I swabbed us up as best I could, then sang a lullaby til she
fell asleep. Stepping outside the camper, I closed my eyes, and turned my face
towards the sun. Then the dam broke. Exhausted, I dropped to my knees in the
dirt, clutching my arms around me to keep my frustrated fists from pounding the
ground. Tears started down my cheeks and my face burned red as I fought to
stifle the sound of my sobs. “I can’t do this!
I can’t live tethered to another person no matter how much I love them.”
Could I?
The first time I came to Chaco Canyon I was arrested, yet I
had never felt more fully bound than I did at that very moment. It wasn’t that
I didn’t want to be a mother. I just
wanted to be a Mother And. Because I
was still. But we were doing this
alone. I didn’t have family eager to care for my child while I went off frolicking
and no one else we trusted was volunteering. Try as I might, I just couldn’t
figure out how to reconcile the dichotomous pull between dedicating my every atom to the well being of my family and my own ambitions.
I wondered if I should just give up, move on out to the
burbs and join the PTA. Many people do. I’ve met dozens of parents who tell me how
they used to feed their wild spirits, their big dreams. Sometimes, I see a
brief flicker of fire in their eyes as they remember who they were. Then
there’s this look of acceptance, sometimes serine and satisfied, but sometimes
full of longing, as they tell me that this was all before they had kids. And when they tell me this, I know they chose
to give up, that they will never be wild again. And that’s okay, as long as they’re
happy about it. But I’m pretty sure I
can’t be.
I peeked in the camper window at the sweet, sleeping face of
my daughter. There’s something magical
about gazing on the face of your sleeping child. It makes you want to do anything for her. There was no question that she was worth
giving up everything for, but I sincerely believed if I could just figure out
the right formula, I wouldn’t have to. Leaning on all fours, I clutched handfuls of sand in my hands and declared, “I can do this.”
The next day, the wind blew cold and hard, but I bundled up
and set out for Jackson Stairway under a bright blue sky. The wind blew sand so
hard it stung my cheeks so I cinched my hood tightly around my face and kept my
nose below a neck gator. The sole hiker on the trail, I was practically strutting,
under the comfy encasement of my down
coat and mittens, as I reached the edge of the canyon. I looked across to Jackson
Stairway, etched like a treacherous ladder down the sheer wall. That’s all I needed.
Like Armstrong planting the flag on the moon, I snapped a picture and headed
back to camp, the wind at my back.
After that everything changed. Most mommies I know prefer the spa for regeneration, but over the next year and a half I managed to travel down that crazy Chaco road more times than I’d go to Walmart, and for a woman with a babe still in diapers, that really says something. A place that almost landed me in jail, became where I most felt free.
After that everything changed. Most mommies I know prefer the spa for regeneration, but over the next year and a half I managed to travel down that crazy Chaco road more times than I’d go to Walmart, and for a woman with a babe still in diapers, that really says something. A place that almost landed me in jail, became where I most felt free.
A year later, I took a solo camping trip down that bumpy
road for one of the park’s “star talks” that utilize Chaco’s impressive
telescope collection. Because of its
remote location, Chaco Canyon offers some of the best stargazing in North
America. Periodically, Joe Public can view
spectacles far out in space normally only viewed by professional astronomers
and God. It was a no-moon night and the stars dazzled
while bats flit about the sky like dark butterflies. We gazed into the center of Lyra, the twins,
and other far flung galaxies, barely scratching the surface of what’s out
there. I was suddenly struck by how much this place, dedicated to the
preservation of the past, could teach us about the present, and even the
future. About how much I had learned here for my own life.
Did
I gain enough of Lehrer’s psychological distance to reconcile the desires of my
heart? I want to tell you unequivocally yes and then explain eloquently in
exactly what transformative ways that is true.
But I can’t. Maybe someday. I can
only tell you that the bumpy roads are worth it. That Life is hard, but beautiful,
as Skeleton man said that it would be. Pa yuk polo (Hopi for): this is the end of this story.